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J.R. Buchanan


Me, My Thoughts, and I

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February 16, 2015


I worked for almost 20 years at a large (fortune 50) company. Overall, it was a good experience, but I eventually had to leave on disability due to my bipolar, OCD, and anxiety problems.

One nice thing about a big corporation was that I got a disability pension and health care for life when I left. Or so I was promised. They had financial problems, and the bankruptcy judge told them that they didn't have to honor these commitments, despite arranging to stay in business. So they didn't. Such is big business.

I was so angry and disappointed when this happened that I can't even express it here. I got so mad when I drove by the plant that I just avoided driving in that area. I mean, I was really pissed.

I held a grudge and a lot of resentment for years. Then one day, when I happened to be inpatient for severe (suicidal) depression, I was writing in my journal. I was writing about why I was angry, and how this made me depressed. While I was writing, I had an epiphany. I realized that by holding on to this anger, I was giving them power over me. Power to make me hurt, power to make me suffer.

I resolved to forgive and let it all go. One of the best decisions I've ever made, and a major part of my mental health recovery. I can now think about having worked there without anger, and I can even drive by with no intrusive thoughts or anger.

Forgiveness is about you, it's about me, it's NOT about the people you are forgiving. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself. I'd learned that, and it was one of the best things I've ever learned.

BTW, they had done something good, and out of character, they'd insured their pensions with the government, so I still get that, albeit not from my former employer. A real lifesaver when it's time to pay the bills.

No such insurance on the health care, and I was with marginally useful insurance for a while longer. Fortunately, all is well on that front now too.

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